The inevitable wave of feelings.

 The strangest things will erect a barrier for my creativity. An impedance for the things that I need to live something other than a half life. What I know must do is look deep and stop making excuses for the walls I make and the attachments I place upon them. It is in this act of cutting the strings I let my mind lace up that true strength is created. 

I am alive and you are still here.

When we think of a catharsis we think of this beautiful experience where we emerge rejuvenated. It is a seldom occurrence for some spurred by singular moment. An event that shakes them to the core. I have forced myself into cathartic events quite frequently on purpose to attempt to distill this fragile soul into so solid core. This death has shaken me, though it has not rattled me my footing enough to for me into another spiral that would lead me to rip at my soul until I put it back together to emerge another creature. I am reexamining the things I took for granted though. For what is here today might not be here tomorrow. everything ends in tears eventually, that is the inevitable destiny for all things we cherish, tears. 

Mourning

 

For Kristen Moskway

“A life that touches other goes on forever.” 

                                    Unknown

 

I shall breathe and channel these emotions into words, letting the pathos flow like the rivers of tears that I want to shed. Yet I have been unable to cry for some reason and it has been years. It is some strange thing tempered out of my being from three quarters of a decade of pain. So, this is for the world. This is a physical manifestation of what I feeling but I am only able to type it out in graphemes. Ink stuck on paper over and over again trying to make peace with the inevitable that we all die. It is just whether or not we have touched the world or the lives others or not.  This is my attempt to acknowledge and cherish her memory.

I’ve known her since the 6^th grade at Kemps Landing Middle School. We were in the same group. I the members I have of then were just her smile and her general kindness, and the warm comfortable presence she brought to a situation. She had an ability to put people at ease and inherit aptitude that not many people are capable of possessing. After 6^th grade I didn’t see her for two years as she went to Kempsville middle. We had varying classes together over the 4 years of high school together. We shared one single class in senior year. Where she should her sincerity, kindness, and generosity every day. As I would eventually learn through my own personal experiences typically the kindest people in the room are the saddest. After graduation I had a spare ticket to Carrot Top (I REALLY REGRET not buying George Carlin tickets) So Daniel Yoder, Kristen, a mutual friend, and I went to the show. I did this as way of returning the years of kindness. We dropped back off at her vehicle after the show which we all actually enjoyed. That was the last time I spoke or saw here in 9 years.

Sometime in late 2008 /2009 we started hanging out emailing, going out to dinner, and doing things together. She wasn’t happy with her job and was very depressed about numerous things. We had a brief period but that went away as her energy was robbed from her by the job and her depression.

Her death is truly the first non-familial death has moved in 17 years since Daniel Yoder’s from suicide. The world lost a ruby in a sea of quartz on Monday. Now we are not exactly sure of the cause of death of her, but given the past history, and of the other context clues it is an easy conjecture to draw that conclusion. You cannot fault someone for making such a grave action. We all battel each day with out own demons. Some cannot begin to fathom the herculean effort that it takes for some to exist every singe day. They do it not for love for themselves but for the love of their friends and family. She was loved by many. These are exerts from the last communication I had with her in 02/2009 “'I’ve sunk into my own little hole. ““Just don't have the energy to do anything but stay alive myself. I never emailed her back after that because I understood and I been at that point many of times.

This morning I woke up and I was sadden, I have not been this sad in four year when I saw my father waste away in less than 3 from pancreatic cancer. So how could I be like? Because I remembered that the kindest people are always the saddest, and I know this because I see it everyday in the mirror. So, I urge those suffering the most in these chaotic times to get help (or at least find someone to talk to) if you are start to doubt things just to talk. Medication is not always the first step or the right solution to solving a mental health crisis.

So I forgot I about this thing. New Brand title but still under the same weird moody management!-

 Oh I am still moody, just less self loathing. 

What I once believe is unbearable is believe it or not something you can live with. I did not know fifteen years ago that I would have endured the traumatic life altering health crisis that have forever changed my body, but I have survived. As naïve as my condition made me I did not know that the road would be rougher, and it continues to be rough. I still am coming to terms with things and looking for a way to make a better life for my self as I push a later age. I feel unaccomplished yet I have accomplished things others have not. I have walked a different path and I cannot judge my own inherit value by the value others. I am still here, and I am still trying, everyday I am thinking and making an effort to put pen to paper to make something. I am there to console my friends through their darkest times, as I have walked in total darkest and huddled in the darkness until I found a match to lit to find some respite. 

What I know for sure is that I still have attempts in me to do something that is beyond myself. I still have ideas and when my energy is available I will push it towards the creation of those ideas. 

This is my second date with this woman I am fond of. I have not seriously dated anyone in almost 5 years. I might seem calm, but oh I am quite excited about the good time I will have with a bright woman that I connect with.

Do I think too much?

Well I had a perception based alteration occur a few days ago. I took a trip north, my first trip ever across the mason dixon line. I am glad traveled there, and spent time with an old friend.

What we think our lives are about.

You wake up and think of the things you have to do that day. What prevents your from thrashing that aside and doing what you want to do. Economic sensibility usually prevents us from doing what we want to do and shoes up towards what we have to do to continue our own existence.

The confines of what I think is real

My medicine is completely off. I only have one type of meds left and I forget to take them regularly. Financial windfall after accident has led me to having to leave what has been my domicile for 6 months. I will continue to get worst after I move this week. I know this for a fact.

a bit of wit on my taste of music

I tend to like various forms of music. I like to boil it down to the essence and let the music itself not just the words speak to me. Lately I am lending to music that incorporates strings and orchestra into pop/rock/indie/or Synth that I am listening to. Its finding the little jewels that have the haunting essence of such songs as "song to the siren"
Must so eerily beautiful that I seem to lose myself in the sounds that make me wish to lash my self to the deck of my vessel.

an update

I am almost done with my first semester of college. It was quite rough on me until I changed my scheduled. I really had to learn my limitations and work around them. If you did not already know I moved out several months ago. My cell phone number is still the same if you ever need to get a hold of me.
I am taking one class in the summer, it is an American Sign Language course. In the fall I plan on continuing my Associates in Liberal Arts and purse a Certificate in ASL if I like it enough.
I'm still very lonely. I try not to let that effect my life much. I still have not found another shrink I life. My dwindling supply of medication that works only a third of the time still concerns me. I wake up feeling like I have received a baseball bat to the head regularly.

almost a human being

I honestly write for no one but myself. Its only of the few resolves I have besides listening to music. It keeps the stranger at bay.
My belief is to never stop questioning everything, you just have to know what not to question sometimes for your own sanity. Questioning people is quite tricky I would rather live without hurting someone if questions that don't have to be asked are left while someone tries to put their life back together. I am trying that as well. Its getting better but sometimes just take time.

I have my class schedule for the spring semester. The courses have been paid for already. I need to get my books sometime before the 12th of Jan. I almost feel slightly accomplished.

I keep trying but no end is near. I hate having to take pills to go to sleep, you never know when your going to wake up. I am here litless and utter in contempt. No rest for the wicked I guess.

Quite frankly I cannot express in words the urges and annoyances I have to deal with on a daily basis, guilt kept me here for longer than I wanted and no I am paying for it in more than a few ways. I will move out as soon as It is humanly possible for me too. I can not continue like this.

I could list all the things that have gone wrong within the past week, but that would not change a single thing.
I am frail. I am going about my day the best I can.

a note on this week

history was made. Honestly everyday will become history the next. I am struggling with sleep. Bitterly fighting with it for rest. I looked in the mirror this morning and I look like a corpse.

If you don't write just for yourself, then honestly there is no point in writing at all. Its a merely a cry for help or more specifically a grab for attention.

Sometimes a new friend is the best medicine

All my relationships start on some chance meeting. They might be visions from the past but this meeting is different. The scale has been tilted we might just be friends thats always nice but sometimes a relationship buds.

This happened the other day and I enjoying how it goes, and im not hurried about anything.

Why bitch when your not going to do anything about it.

I don't really feel the need to vent and gripe here anymore. I change what I can when I can, and I to have be able to accept that my life isn't what I want it to be right now. Since replacing my phone and losing almost all my numbers I've only had to re add three numbers that where there which people called me from. See sometimes its nice to forgot.

nhv

no happy view no happy view.

i cant go on much longer like this.