even the ativan doesn't help sometimes

I've pretty much found out that I almost always feel alone, with my family and a lot of my friends. This sense of utter restlessness sub cums me and I become utterly hopeless.
I spend most of the day curled up wanting this endless feeling to go away.

Tis the season for having to deal with drunken idiots.

I have pretty much have not gotten drunk in almost 2 years, 3 years if you omit the several months of drunkenness that I sub came to for a period. The reason why I stopped was because: it was getting old, and it was not a good thing to do with my medication. My sobriety hasn't prevented me from still associating with my friends that still do drink, I just become the designated driver more often than not. My willingness to be around drunk people does not however excuse them from their behavior.

People have been saying that they miss me. Thing is though I have been in the same place for a year, and they haven't bothered to find the time for me. All I have is time.

When you never want to answer your phone.

Realistically nothing good has ever occurred from me answering a phone. It seems only those who want something of me wish to call, no one seems to ask the question of why should I call him, just merely that they are calling to vent or digress from their lives. I am subjected to peoples bitching and their bad news. I have enough bad news for a life time and frankly I don't feel the need to spread it around like a common cold.

I still cannot find a single reason not to walk out.

My mother has labeled me as lazy even though I do everything she asks me too, she says that her house should be spotless If I am going to be here all day. She told me not to go off and kill myself because it would kill her. Nothing is ever enough for her, never. I'm not trying to be lazy, really I'm not and her utter lack of understanding is doing nothing but driving nails into my coffin. The hole is already there I'm just waiting for the lid to shut.
I walk around in my house like a leper, trying not to get into anyones way but always seeming to aggravate someone, I can't do anything right. I was on the verge of tears and breaking down for 6 hours yesterday, and nothing could comfort me.
When I see people laughing and smiling, and they look truly happy, I want to cry because I do not know that feeling. Everything in my life just seems to be a stone that is added to the bags I carry on my back.
I really do just want to vex myself from this family. All I would need is some money to get a P.O. Box do a change of address from to reroute all my mail, cancel what of my cell phone contract that I could and pray that every night I don't freeze to death. I think I am beyond desperation, I just have a finale of sorts, always just a moment from the end.
Two days ago was the first time in years that I really just wanted to end it all, I had been doing so well, but everyone is so misunderstanding that they are just making my life such a hell, that I don't want to live it anymore.

The starling reality of it all.

I don't have complete say in my life. I have pretty much, been granted a slim vestige of freedom. I am no longer asked to do things, merely told what to do. My life is no longer mine, it is just a facade.

a blank slate

I no longer feel safe any in of my blogs. I can't begin to express the total lack of self preservation I possess. I have no life, and I am currently condemned to be free labor in my parents residence. I don't know how much longer I can last before I will do something irreversible.